date: Saturday, March 11, 2006 @ 9:20 am
title: Choice.
It's been a tired tired tired race that I am running.
Everytime when I attempt to take a breather, people say I'm slacking.
Everything when I attempt to go the extra mile, people say I'm crazy.
Will you still follow me if you do not get recognition for the things your do?
Will you still follow me when your loved ones backstabbed you?
Will you still follow me when your goodwill is veiled to be a bad deed?
Will you?
To make a choice is like killing me.
I dislike. I hate. I detest. I just dun wan to make a choice. As much as I can confess about my willingness but my heart is still in bondage of the reluctance to be freed by the truth.
The truth will set you free.
What is truth?
Fear God.
How many people can remember their first times? I can. I will.
The first big blast that I got pertaining to my attitude still lingers within me occassionally its been put on the shelf to collect dust, but at times it haunts me as I close my eyes. Maybe being hard on myself is a channel for me to numb those experiences. I really forget the meaning of rest. Its like a rarity that I get to enjoy it once in awhile. My time is stretched like rubber band. My physical is streched like a rubber band. My mind is stretched like a rubber band. When I have the chance to take a break, all collapses. I became paralysised.
I asked myself when is the last time I slept well? When is the last time I ate well? When is the last time I sat well? All the time. All the time. All the time. But I'm lying. Lying Lying. With the amount of stress that falls on my left shoulder - studies. With the amount of stress that falls on my right shoulder - non-studies. The combination of both pressed me into the quicksand of the valley. I suffocate. I drown. Tiny molecules filled my lungs. I died. I slept. But my mind still thinking.
Why am I so heartless to myself? In turn heartless to my loved ones?
Cos I am constantly in delusion. I constantly bluffing myself through and through, night and day that I can cope. I can cope. I can cope. But the truth is that the path is not ready for me and I'm walking on muddy water, thick and smelly. I'm laying hold on the wrong things at the wrong season. My refusal to give up is both a virtue and tragic flaw.
You are not God. STOP BEING ONE!
Submit your mind to the Lordship. Lay your trouble at His foot. Cease all false saying. Come and feast for tomorrow you will do great wonders. Carry no burden with you but have my yoke for it is light and fits well. Hold onto the Cross. Desire Godly wisdom. Seek truth. Ask to find. Accept discipline. Praise Big. Bless abundently. Plan your way. Stay out of the highways and the byways. Start being a man. Stop being a kid. Be active to make things possible. Be passive towards unworthy treasures. For if you are worthy, the worthy you beget.
Do whatever it takes. Take a stand. Stick to your stand. Cheirsh your stand.
Putting aside doesn't mean you will lose it forever. You need to know what you want. You need to be brutal to sin, not sinners. Noone can do it for you, only you can do it for yourself. Don't worry so much. Faith is all you need. There is always consequences to your actions, but if it's within God's plan, you will pull through. You will never know, until you have tried it. Tested your substance. Come out from your comfort zone.
Ask. Ask. Ask. Knock. Knock. Knock. Bang. Bang. Bang.
eh.. I see that you mustard seed is glowing within you. It's coming back. The 'You' is coming home to papa's room.
